a volume of springtime haiku (stargazercmc) wrote in nonfluffypagans,
a volume of springtime haiku
stargazercmc
nonfluffypagans

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Lucid dreaming and loved ones (potentially triggering)

Someone I care about committed suicide and was found last week. In the two weeks she went missing before we knew for sure what had happened, I had a lucid dream with her in it. In my dream, she appeared before me and I recognized that I was dreaming. I reached out to touch her, thinking that if I did so, it would make me wake up. I didn't. Instead, I felt her face when I touched it. I can still remember vivid detail of how her skin felt, the texture, the roughness. I remember calling out for her not to go. I think I may have even cried this out loud and not just in my dream. Then something came between us (like a thin wall of white, almost like a sheet or sheetrock), and once it passed, she was moving backwards very rapidly until she just disappeared. The dream continued for one more "scene" not involving her before I was able to wake myself up.

I've had dreams before where I knew I was dreaming (usually nightmares that I manipulate to bring them to an end), but I never feel pressure in my dreams when I touch something. Another unusual factor was that she was always a rather vibrant bottle blonde until very recently, when she dyed her hair brown. In my dream, she had the brown hair I was just starting to become accustomed to seeing rather than the blonde I've seen for the past 7 years.

The part of me that needs comforting thinks this may have been her reaching out to me, but the non-fluffy part of me is telling me that my subconscious was very consumed with worry for her at the time. I have no knowledge of exactly when she died so I'm not making any supposition like she came to me at the moment she died or anything ridiculous (pretty sure her family would take precedent).

Lucid dreaming is not my norm, but I have experienced dreams like this one before when I was younger where my great aunt, who was like a grandmother to me and died when I was 10, would come to me to lend comfort. However, they've never included an active sense of touch.

Has anyone had experiences like this? Thoughts?
Tags: death and dying, dreams, lucid dreaming
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